An Email From Celestine (Mama Tina to you young folks)

Mama Tina sent us the following email:



Dear Wig Crypt,

I was at the Creole Compound kicking it with Keyshia Cole's mom' Frankie. I've been on house arrest for the past 3 months because of my fight with Jay's mom at Bey and Jay's wedding after she called my first born a "baldheaded golddigger" (then me and her stepped out into the parking lot and the wigs came off and the pistols came out). I guess the judge wanted to make an example out of me but I'll do this little bit a time. House arrest ain't a thing. I've already taken a glue gun and a bedazzler to my house arrest ankle bracelet and next month Dereon will be introducing a new line of house arrest bracelets that are bejeweled, bedazzled, and befeathered.

So anyway me and Frankie were were havin our rum and Dr. Pepper, and pickeled pig feet and browsing YouTube and we came across this video:



We were so just shocked by what we saw. I come from a different time of child raising and I would have handled this situation a little differently. Let me tell you how I deal with my children.

Solange left Baby Daniel with me so she could go to Los Angeles to present and park cars at the BET Awards. She said she was coming back Thursday. Didn't see her until Sunday, so when I finally saw her "I Decided" to drop kick her ass. That's what REALLY happened to her foot.

Last year Beyonce was in China for a concert and thought about hitting me, she didn't want to hit me, the thought just crossed her mind. I flew 13 hours to knock her teeth out just for thinking that and was back home in time to watch the Golden Girls. Another time Beyonce was on stage and hit a high note while looking at me and I thought she was yelling at me, so I clocked her in the head with my shoe. I don't play that. Fuck a 10-time Grammy winner. I'll take one of those Grammys and bust you upside the head with it.

But that's just me.

What do you think?

--- Mama Tina


(Beyonceitis.com is satirical, and the above article is false. We here at Wig Crypt have nothing but love and respect for Miss Tina Knowles, and wish not to be "mysteriously" shut down.)

All I Can Say is YES!!!

This was orginally what Usher wanted to do at the BET Awards, but for some reason it never happened.

Don't mind the people who get up and leave in the middle of it. Extreme Tang + Creole Swagger + Synthetic hair + Sequins are a powerful combination and it was just too much for them.

I Guess You Feel Kinda Stupid, Huh?

A wise man once wrote "Believe half of what you see. None of what you hear." His wife once wrote "Dip it, pop it, twerk it, stop it." (So over the years, I've learned when to listen to them and when to ignore them)

So you read on a message board that somebody's cousin's friend's boyfriend's sister's nephew's hairbraider's aunt's baby's father's brother heard on the radio that Lil Wayne said he and Beyonce will be the "surprise" guests with Usher on the BET Awards". So you get all excited. You make about 58 threads about it on about 18 different Beyonce message boards. You imagine in your mind how the performance will go, what she will wear, which direction the curl pattern of her wig will go in, you go to Wikipedia and update the BET Awards page, you download bootleg copies of Photoshop and make pictures that say "The King and Queen of R&B" and put it in your siggy. You go to the mall and have them airbrush a shirt with Usher and Beyonce on it so you can wear it to school that day. You pretty much plan your life around this performance. You get off early from the mall... run home and alas...
No Beyonce!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

And the funniest part.

The really, really funny part.

I mean, the really, really, really funny part.

Lil Wayne was in the audience.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Beyonce was not there. She and Mama Tina were watching the show at home, smoking a fat one, drinking MadDog, and eating barbeque pork rinds. Beyonce was removing the dead skin from under Tina's feet while Tina greased Beyonce's scalp (You can't put a price on quality mother and daughter time). I don't blame Weezy for this mixup because there is no proof that he ever said it. Just something somebody heard.

So what have we learned today boys and girls?

1. Internet message boards ARE NOT credible sources.
2. Internet message boards ARE NOT credible sources.
3. Internet message boards ARE NOT credible sources.
4. BET did not play you. YOU played you.
5. People believe what they want to believe despite all the evidence to prove otherwise.
6. Internet message boards ARE NOT credible sources.
7. Out of 8 BET Awards Beyonce has attended 7 and has been the main attraction at 6. Let her rest her BET wig for year.
8. Internet message boards ARE NOT credible sources.
9. Don't believe shit until shit happens.

Here's my recap:

8:00PM Usher opens the show with Love in the Club. Neither Beyonce, Lil' Wayne, or Usher's live singing voice are present. Each time the music slows down you think she's going to pop out from under the stage and dry hump Usher. She does not. I laugh at Beyonce stans for a good 10 minutes.

8:10PM - Jennifer Hudson and Terrance Howard presents Best Male R&B Artist. Beyonce DOES NOT come out and give Terrance a lapdance, or to give Jennifer Hudson an elbow to the mouth.

8:19: Young Jeezy performs. Kanye West comes out. Beyonce does not come out and say George Bush does not care about Creole people.

8:26: Keyshia's Cole's moms Frankie encourages us to vote for the Viewer's Choice Award. Beyonce and Tina do not swing by to pick up Frankie so she come come to the Knowles crib and get down on some of the pork rinds.

8:32: Keyshia Cole performs. Beyonce doesn't come out but that doesn't stop Keyshia from dropping down low and sweeping the floor with it.

8:36: In what could have been a very cool moment Nia Long, Morris Chestnut, Cuba Gooding Jr. have a mini-Boyz in the Hood reunion. Cuba comes out screaming, confused, sweaty and disoriented like your drunk uncle at the Labor Day cookout. Beyonce does not come to escort him off the stage and then do a scene from her heartwarming performance in "Fighting Temptations".

8:40PM: Ne-Yo comes out. And dances... with his microphone turned ON. WORD? Beyonce does not come out to console Usher who was probably in the audience crying.

9:00PM - Alicia Keys. En Vogue. Coko and SWV. TLC. What more can I say? CLASSIC! Beyonce DOES NOT COME OUT with Kelly, Michelle, nor any any of the other 83 former members of Destiny's Child, since Farrah could not get off her shift at TGI Friday's. After the performance Alicia stops by the Knowles compound to return Beyonce's Dreamgirls Cleopatra wig.

9:15PM - T-Pain brings out Big Boi, Ludacris, Flo Rida, DJ Khaled, Kool Moe Dee, Jesse Jackson, Aresnio Hall, Jaleel White, Don Cornelius, Sinbad, James Earl Jones, and Rick Ross. Beyonce does not pop out from under Rick Ross's left titty, to bust a verse on "I'm So Hood". Solange does not pop out from under the right titty singing "I Decided" with Baby Daniel on guitar.

9:47PM - Chris Brown performs. You see a female in the background and think it's Beyonce. It's Ciara. Chris and Ciara do what Beyonce and Usher were SUPPOSED to do. HAHAHAHA. Beyonce does not come out, look at Rihanna stick her hands down Chris Brown's pants and say "Look, bitch I got your man ho!"

9:58PM - The Al Green tribute starts. Beyonce does not come out singing "Love and Happiness" holding a boiling pot of grits. I weep.

10:15PM - Rihanna does "Take A Bow". Beyonce does not come out to give her a bucket so she can carry a tune. I guess all Rihanna haters were supposed to nut on themselves because she was able to sing while standing still. Sorry, but unless she's twirling that umbrella, she doesn't do a lot for me.

I didn't get to see the rest of the show because Mama Tina threw a shoe at the TV when Rihanna was on stage and broke it. And since Solange was at the BET Awards she couldn't use her Best Buy employee discount to get a new Plasma screen. :(

Frequently Asked Questions About The Jayonce Wedding

Frequently Asked Questions About The Jayonce Wedding

Q: What did the wedding cake look like?

A: The cake was 7 tiers measuring 17 feet high and weighed 15,032 pounds. It was made from 10,000 pounds of pound cake batter and 4,810 pounds of icing and could feed 59,000 people.

Jay and his family had to split a Little Debbie Honey Bun 12 ways.
----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What were the vows like?

A: Beyonce's vows went something like this:

Beyonce: Jay, I remember the first time I saw you. You were looking at me. I was looking at you. I wasn't sure if you liked me. Then Solange, who has a new album coming out this summer, she said that you liked me but I didn't believe her. Fast forward to our first date. I was so nervous, I was almost ready to cancel, but Kelly, who just re-released her album Miss Kelly, told me that night I could be going out with my future husband, and six years later she was right. So here today I stand, your wife, a woman, a worldwide woman, which is also the name of a song available on the Deluxe Edition of B-Day which is still available on iTunes, if anybody here today would like to buy it in lieu of a wedding present. I remember when you proposed to me and I just wasn't sure, so I called my mother, who has a new line of senior citizen lingerie coming out this fall, HI MAMA!

Tina: HEY BABY!

Beyonce: I remember being nervous that I wouldn't be a good wife. I remember mama telling me that I had a good man, and that I should be confident in the fact that our love and respect of each other will get us through, and if that didn't work I could always just poison you and collect the insurance money.

Tina: Beyonce sit your ass down! You were supposed to keep that to yourself.

Beyonce: Oh...sorry mama. Anyway I'm so proud to be standing here today. Jay, you have become my addiction, I’m so strung out on you I can barely move but I like it...

(Ne-Yo stands up)

Ne-Yo: Umm...I wrote that last line.

Beyonce: No you didn't.

Ne-Yo: Umm yeah I did. "you have become my addiction, I’m so strung out on you, I can barely move but I like it..." That's from my song "Because of You." I wrote that last year.

Beyonce: Umm..no, I wrote my vows by myself.
(At this point, Baby Daniel comes and electrocutes Ne-Yo with his stun gun, and escorts him out of the wedding...)
---------------------------------------------

Q: How did Jay propose?

A: Jay's proposal to Beyonce was so romantic. He was at the Knowles house eating dinner. Right in between the Chittlin' Pot Pie, and the pig ears and gravy, Jay interrupted and said he had an annoucnement to make, he stood before the Knowles family, got down on his good knee and said these romantic words:

"We been doing this for six summers now...ya dig? I mean I'm not getting any younger, definitely not going to get any better looking. I like you, you like me. I like putting my mouth on your junk, you like putting your mouth on my junk. I'm sayin, you might wanna fuck with your dude...ya dig?
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Where are the pictures? Doesn't Beyonce owe her fans pictures?

A: Beyonce doesn't owe us anything but entertainment, and if she wanted you to see her wedding, then she would have sent you an invitation and you would have been up on that rooftop doing the electric slide in between Mama Knowles and Mama Carter.

Do you also want video of the wedding night?

Do you also want tickets to the birth of little LaDereon Carter?

Let's give them some privacy!

However, in order for me to believe that this wedding happened I'm going to need official confirmation from both Beyonce and Jay's publicists, also a picture with Beyonce in her wedding dress and Jay in his tuxedo holding their marriage licenses and the April 4, 2008 edition of the New York Times, with Matthew and Tina in the background holding their social security card, birth certificate, driver's license, and kindergarten pictures.

How to Make a Beyonce-Based Blog

Sorry for the lack of updates...well not really.

A wise man once said "Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime." In the spirit of that I will not be writing today's entry. YOU will write today's entry. It's really not that hard to have a blog these days. Just recycle certain words, phrases, and jokes and if that doesn't work, you can always just blatantly rip off other blogs. So let's get started shall we? Let's write about Beyonce's wedding before it happens. I know you can do it. I will supply the title you do the rest...


MEET ME AT THE ALTAR IN YOUR FREAKUM DRESS

CLICK THIS LINK

and follow the directions. Then come back and copy and paste the results in the comment section. The funniest ones may be posted next week...

I'm late...

I guess I'm the last person in the world to comment on this so...

In case you missed it, on Sunday night, Beyonce (current Queen of R&B) said that Tina Turner (Queen of Rock and Roll) was "The Queen" at the Grammy Awards. This didn't sit well with Aretha Franklin (Queen of Soul, Ham Hocks, and Neckbones). Aretha released a statement calling it "a cheap shot". Beyonce's mother Tina Knowles (Queen of Polyester) has apparently packed her fighting wig and is on her way to have words with Ms. Franklin. Baby Daniel (King of Creole Soul) and Solange (Buger King Assistant Manager)are also upset.

Matthew Knowles released a statement calling Aretha's statement "childish" and "unprofessional", however my sources say that Matthew is trying to resolve this conflict and has invited Aretha to his home for tea and pig knuckle sandwiches.

Since this is a day of love I hope they can work out this conflict.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Rihanna Trapped Inside Staples Center; Requests Government Assistance from Barbados

As nearly 20,000 people poured out of the Staples Center following the Grammys, singer Rihanna refused to leave her seat as hundreds of Beyonce's relatives formed a circle around the Staples Center waiting for her to come out so that they could jump her.

The incident began earlier in the evening when Rhianna won Best Rap/Sung Collaboration with Jay-Z. Rihanna walked up to Beyonce and didn't say hey, hi, cat, dog, or nothing then grabbed Jay-Z's hand and led him up to the stage. At that point Beyonce's sister Solange dialed the number 7 on her cell phone and within minutes over 300 Knowles/Dereon relatives flew from Texas to California on the Creole-copter. The Dereon clan came armed with bricks, baseball bats, box cutters, lead pipes, and, ironically, umbrellas, and formed a circle around the Staples Center, waiting for Rihanna to leave the building.

Beyonce's family was outraged at Rihanna's behavior.

"What she did tonight was very disrespectful." said Beyonce's great-aunt, Cookie Dereon. "Also if you see that big-lipped bastard Jay tell him I got words for him too. "Crazy In Love" won about fiftyleven awards, and his monkey-ass ain't NEVER got onstage with Beyonce to accept an award. Then he had the nerve to get up there and laugh and grin with that tramp Rihanna onstage last night? If I wasn't a saved Christian woman I would curse his motherfuckin' ass out.

As of this morning, Rihanna is still stuck inside the Staples Center, and has reportedly asked her home country of Barbados to send airplanes or an army to help her get out of the Staples Center without having a confrontation with the Knowles/Dereon family. But Beyonce's uncle, Roscoe Dereon said: "She doesn't need any backup. If she's bold enough to be disrespectful she should be bold enough to
take an ass-whooping.

Here is a timeline of the events as they unfolded:

10:15PM - Rihanna wins a Grammy then she basically strips naked and dry-fucks Jay-Z in front of God, T-Pain and everybody. She doesn't even acknowledge Beyonce. It takes Jesus, Joseph, Mary J. Blige, and Fantasia to hold Beyonce back from tackling Rihanna like she's at the Super Bowl.

10:17PM - Solange calls members of the Knowles/Dereon family for assistance.

10:32PM - Over 300 members of the Knowles/Dereon family fly in from Texas and Louisiana to "beat the brakes" off Rihanna.

11:35PM - Thousands of Grammy Awards attendees pour out of the Staples Center. Rihanna does NOT move.

12:00AM - Rihanna remains inside the Staples Center. She forgot that if you're going to show your ass you need at least two homegirls with you in case shit jumps off.

2:37AM - Rihanna sends an S.O.S call to Barbados asking for them to come airlift her out of the Staples Center or at least send fried chicken or tacky fabrics to distract the Dereon family so that she can make her escape.

2:50AM Solange gets the keys to Beyonce's brand new 2008 Maybach and circles Rihanna's hotel in case she decides to sneak out.

2:55AM - Michelle gets the keys to Solange's 1988 Toyota Camry and circles Rihanna's hotel in case she decides to sneak out.

3:05AM - Beyonce's relatives set up camp waiting to jump on Rihanna's ass. Beyonce's uncles starting barbequing in the parking lot, Beyonce's aunts started selling fried fish plates, pickles, and can sodas, and each come with a free copy of Miss Kelly.

4:12AM - Beyonce's relatives begin discussing how hard they are going to slap Rihanna. Beyonce's Aunt Pootsie Dereon says she's going to slap Rihanna into 2012. Beyonce's Aunt Pam Dereon said she's going to slap Rihanna into a movie, (she says Rihanna will be quoting Color Purple lines for a month.) Beyonce's twin cousins Dasani and Aquafina Dereon said they will slap Rihanna's hairline to where it's supposed to be.

4:20AM - Tina Knowles and Tina Turner begin playing Aretha Franklin and Whitney Houston in a game of spades. At around 4:30AM the four send Baby Daniel to the store for Newports, pork rinds, and denture adhesive. Rihanna remains inside.

Please check this site throughout the day as this story develops.

This is not the first time Rihanna has disrespected Beyonce.